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October 10, 2013

ON BEING A NEW MOM


i have tried sitting down to write augustus' birth story, and each time, i've ended in tears streaming down my face, so perhaps today is not the day. i remember the details so vividly and i hold his entering into this earth so sacredly that the memory of his beautiful birthday is in my very blood. it pulses with me and i taste him, smell him, see him in everything i do and do not do. i am no longer my own. i am his.

having a baby, a son (!) is like having an earthquake inside your chest. all the parts get rearranged and they never go back to where they were before because...they just can't. they have been eternally and physically shifted. forever.

there are clear distinctions of the human soul, lines that you cross or don't cross, and experiences that remove all that is left and replace it with something else. these lines, these distinctions ~ they all move toward one common goal, and that is stripping you of what you don't need and placing exactly what you have always needed in its place.

this replacement is my entire heart.



at five months, the days with him seem like the days i've waited to live my whole life. the days with him are the only days i know anymore, and time before him seems like it was one giant maze that was always only ever pointing to him (i feel that way about his father, too. oh his yummy, sweet, gentle father. more on that dreamboat later).

five months is beautiful. it is robust and chubby and soft and pink and cozy and cuddly and smiley. it is noisy and talkative and it is heard. it is smiling at strangers and turning when he hears my voice. it is eating bananas and staring for long periods of times at his hands. it is toe-sucking and dreaming under trees and talking to angels and god and all the people i cannot see. it is mornings in bed, just the two of us, and long walks at night in the autumn wind.


he is the everything. he is all. and i am so humbled to be on this new journey that god has mapped out just for us. i may not be great at it all the time, but my god, do i try.

17 comments:

  1. Oh Kerrie,
    I cannot began to tell you how beautiful this was to read!! You have so much love in your heart for your precious little one and your husband and it shows through your beautiful writing.
    This makes me long to begin all over again with my precious boys, to go back and savor every bit of there early years. But most of all, it makes me want to stop and forget about all of the unimportant things and focus more on my boys and family. Life gets so busy and at times, I take my blessings for granted.
    I feel blessed to have found you on Instagram because you are truly an inspiration to me, and I am so excited to follow you on your journey here as well!!
    Much love,
    Melinda
    {alabaster rose vintage on IG}

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    1. Melinda, you are a beautiful blessing in my life. I truly mean that ~ watching your life unfold on instagram is a feast for the eyes! You move me! I am so lucky to call you my friend, and I can't wait to get to know you more through blogging rather than a photo app! You are a wonder and I am thankful for you! xo

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  2. beautiful kerrie,
    i have had so much glittering anticipation for the moment your blog would go live ever since you announced it on instagram last week. i just saw the post and came over immediately! it is even more beautiful than i expected and i feel lucky to peek into your incredibly magical life a tiny bit more. these photos of augustus are shimmering perfection and he is the most beautiful baby dreamboat to ever exist on this planet, i am sure of it.
    thank you again for opening up your life to us and i can't wait to read more about you and your lovely family.

    angelica

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    1. Wow, Angelica, you are so kind and you move me deep. Thank you so much for all that you wrote, it means so much to me. I was so nervous to even begin but I came to the realization that if we want things to change, we have to do things we've never done ~ i hope to get to know you more and that you know how wonderful you are. All my vert love to you, xo

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  3. oh kerrie, i'm so happy for you! i don't know if you remember me for instagram, but i always loved your little family and baby augustus. he looks exacly like his father! as a aunt now - my beloved baby have 3 days - i'm so excited to see he growing up! i always admire you, not just for your beauty, but you look so calm. so adorable and gentle. i'm only 18, but i really hope to be like you and have a family like yours.
    one question: will baby augustus have brothers one day? i mean, you make the cutest baby in the world!
    love from brazil,
    ariela

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    1. Hi Sweet Ariela, of course I remember you! Oh honey, your words are so kind and lovely. I am so thrilled that you stopped by. Congratulations on being a new Aunt! It is one of the best roles in the world. I love my nephew and niece more than anything ~ it is such a special bond you will carry with them for all time.

      As far as having a brother for Augustus, who knows what the future has in store for us! We are so blessed for having even him, that I can't imagine how many more blessings God could give us! We'll see ;)

      I hope you have a beautiful weekend and thank you again for being you. xo

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  4. Hi Kerrie, so very nice to me you by way of Melinda's site Alabaster Rose,
    I am sure the feature will be beautiful in her most beautiful Magazine.
    I love her magazine, it's one that speaks to ones heart.

    Your little family is a delight to see and read about, and that beautiful son of yours melts all your worries away. He is an adorable little baby :)

    Beautiful weekend to you and yours.

    Xx
    Doré

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    1. Good morning to you, Dore. That Melinda is something else, isn't she! Thank you so much for your loving words, that are so encouraging and I am so thrilled you are here. I hope your weekend is blessed and beautiful and slow. xo

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  5. Just came over from Melinda's, Blessings on this new road!

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    1. Thank you so much, Debra. So sweet of you to take the time to come over here. xo

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  6. Your writing is a gift from God...every time I read your writing, I feel transported to a world of wildflowers, trees, wild grass and the freshest of breezes. For me, I describe it as "Forever Spring". And you already know I call you "Golden Mama"! xo Jen

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  7. Coming over from Melinda's. What a PRECIOUS gift and sweetie you have! It warms my heart to read your post about the treasure little Augustus is to you and your husband.
    Delighted to follow along your blog,
    Mary Alice

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    1. So, so happy you are here. I am floored by Melinda's kindness. Thank you so much for your words, Mary. They are so moving to me on this foggy, slow morning. Come have a cup of coffee with me soon xo

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  8. Reading this gave me goosebumps. Following you on Instagram has me yearning for a slower, simpler life, which leads me to savoring the slow moments when they come. Thank you for sharing yourselves.

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    1. Brynn! Yay! I am so happy you're here, lovely one. I adore you so. xo

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  9. Hi Kerrie! Nice to meet you:) I'm here via Melinda's blog. Your blog is lovely and I'll add myself to google and follow along. Gorgeous baby!

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  10. You have beautfiul family, your son is adorable!!

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