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September 8, 2014

LOSS.







where are we now?
where does the deep and longing love go?
it stays with you. forever i'm guessing.

forever, as a sign that there was life inside me. growing,
exponentially. not for a moment, but for an eternity.

a love that would mount the skies and pierce through
the clouds.

 a love that was ours. 
made from our bodies,
from our soulful marriage. 

made from the enigmatic heart of God and miraculous
strands and feathers of life.

to resurface from this, on the other side of pain, that is,
and to keep resurfacing each day is a feeling of another kind.
i don't recognize it, i can't explain it.

all seems lost.
there is a place i need to find from this. a place that will catapult me to the surface. one that will tell me it's ok to let go and it's ok to laugh with the moving trees rather than curse the
strong and unwavering winds.

a place that will give me a sign of life, before i disappear below again.

*

before i had taken a pregnancy test, my husband knew i was pregnant. we were sitting on the couch after dinner one night and he said that my cheeks were glowing and he felt that i was pregnant.  he felt it, before i even cast that dream outwards with an elongated breath. we both smiled and held each other with great hopes that he was right. 

when i found out he was right, i laid on our bed and wrapped my arms around him, and we both fell into the pillows with blissful disbelief. i didn't tell him in some grandeur way. there were no pictures or cards or surprise big brother shirts. i told him when the sun was highest in the sky, just him and i. exactly us.

there is no evidence we could hold. only that my body was changing,
and that my husband would rest his beautiful hands on my stomach each day and tell me how
excited he was for this journey. how much he loved us.

all. three. of us.

it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. our knowledge of this life tingled in my bloodstream and gave me wings and light that we would be welcoming another beloved angel in the spring.

how does one get graced so deeply? i thought. over and over and over.

i would have started to show once the pumpkins made their way out on shelves.

 i would have felt kicks when the christmas lights would be strung.

i felt the exact same way when i carried my beautiful augustus inside me. that feeling was instant, it was as though everything i could have ever done, every choice i made, every road i walked, would have always led me to them.

none of this is easy. none of it.

i long to know why i will never be able to hold this life in my arms.
i long to know where she is, who she could have been.

right now, finding the right words to attach to this sad chapter in our lives
aches below my ribs.

what could have been,
the saddest ending to any dream.

and this is the song for the one who will always be ours.