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February 3, 2015

SOFTENING THOUGHTS.

















a side note before the post/ there are deep bellied frogs chiming through my windows and a family of turkey's were on our property in the early morning hours. i have a cup of vanilla harney + sons with milk and sugar in my cup next to me. steve's car battery was dead so he took mine, so we are stuck inside most of the day. my house is cleaned and ina garten's meatloaf (we use turkey meat) is for dinner and my tired baby boy is napping. the sun is shining but i am cold.

oh my, this week. this week has not been easy. by any means.

it seems that our 21 month old little man has been winded by heavy blows of pink eye, a cold, teething pain and a runny nose that never stops dripping.  lately, it seems from the moment he rises, he is upset about something, and it is incredibly difficult as his mother to not be able to fix all that upsets him, even if it's something like not letting him bring the garden rocks inside.

his naps have been incredibly long, some days they are four hours, others three. once we read his books, he slips from their worlds into his own dreaming one and it's as if his body needs to simply shut down from working so hard all the hours he is awake. because our augustus does not stop. he is curiouser and curiouser each and every day. exploring the nooks and crannies of the universe he is in. immersing himself in all there is.

i have found that on our hard days, the best thing i can possibly do for us as a family is soften my thoughts. it is a term i came up with that basically takes me from melting down to sipping tea and watercoloring. from crying because i feel incapable to writing and feeling powerful. it is essentially the ability to not allow the outer world to overwhelm the inner. i even apply the softening of my thoughts when i am getting ready in the morning, or simply when i look in the mirror and see anything but beautiful. i will see the bags under my eyes and a gray hair i swear wasn't there yesterday and before i allow myself the go - ahead to just pick apart every little thing i see on myself that i would change, i cast a dewy haze over my eyes and say "enough." i then put on a little lipstick and allow instead the sweeter thoughts to arise, like

the sun feels so good on my face. how lucky i am to have a face that can feel. 

it's sometimes the simplest tool i use to take me from darkness to light in a matter of seconds. it has taken me years and years to explore and manifest. if you were to visualize, which is often how i learn, it would be putting a tilt-shift filter over ourselves so we see the forrest and not just the trees. so we can see the bigger picture and not the pixel.

when applied to my role as augustus george's mother, i try to embrace the moments where he is completely hysterical and calm him by swiftly slowing down. by this, i mean i just quickly stop what i'm doing to understand what he is so deeply upset about and try to work through it in a way that makes us both happier. i have found that by allowing myself to be easily overwhelmed (so guilty), i am kind of hostage to a cycle. and when i look back on the early years of his life, and the early years as a first time mama, i want to know that i did my very best to be as good as i could have. that i didn't just have potential but i had the patience and wisdom to know where to place my focus on and where to place my time.

just last night, on my beautiful husband's birthday, i had fallen asleep on the couch from excruciating tooth pain, and he took it upon himself to make gus dinner and go get takeout sushi.  on HIS birthday (the photo in b+w). when i had woken up, there he was, kneeling down beside our mint bathtub, giving gus a bath and laughing at the water that was rushing from the faucet. i quickly snapped a photo and apologized for falling asleep on his birthday and how grateful i was to have such a beautiful man in my life take selfless charge and to tell me to not worry my pretty little head off for a second. he said "this is parenthood, baby."

and my goodness is he right.

THIS is parenthood.

all of it.

the falling asleep on the couch, the takeout sushi on your birthday, the pink eye and tantrums and days where you are just too tired to even put a load of dishes into a dishwasher that would do it for you.

yes. that stuff. the stuff you go through. the every day stuff. the real stuff.

it's all part of it. and i love that in some grand way, it's all adding up to a lifetime together.

a lifetime that was pretty damn beautiful.

/just got these shoes in the mail the other day and mama's, they are the best. so in love.
/ this song

2 comments:

  1. Oh Kerrie...I'm so glad you wrote this post when you did...Our sweet boy has been having just terrible tantrums, and is struggling so hard with not being able to articulate what he wants, needs, and doesn't understand. I'll be keeping the word 'soften' in mind as I feel myself becoming rigid with frustration and misunderstanding...xoxo

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  2. This is a beautiful post..softening your thoughts is such a gentle way to live. To give your whole heart, your whole life as a mother is a path of selflessness. It is Deep abiding love. Such beauty will never fade.

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